DALLAS-Former Fox News personality, radio talk show host, and dangerously unhinged humanoid Glenn Beck announced Tuesday that demonic forces were derailing his attempts to get cable providers to carry his television network, The Blaze. Beck was on ‘Washington Watch’ with Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council when he revealed the stunning news.
Mr. Beck was promoting his “Get The Blaze Day of Action” campaign in which wingnuts such as himself are encouraged to phone their cable providers and “demand” they carry Beck’s nutty television network. Beck’s network is world-renowned for misreporting, taking quotes out of context and complete fabrications. Among other things, The Blaze will sometimes report unusual events as being “miracles.” “If we are going to print it or we are going to say it, it’s either a miracle or it’s not. I believe in miracles. Do we believe in miracles or not? As a company we do, as a nation we used to, and if we are going to survive we must,” said Beck.
Later, Beck complained and seemed to be despondent over the fact that more enthusiasm had not been shown for his hard work. He appeared incredulous that cable providers are not jumping at the chance to pick up his network. He claimed that it had nothing to do with the screwball content of his shows, but “hidden forces” were preventing his success. “You also have other forces at work that aren’t necessarily earthly forces that would like to see voices silenced,” said Beck.
We at the Times-Picayune wondered about this claim and decided to fact-check it. We had our Underworld correspondent Bruce Coyote phone Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar and ask him directly if demons had been dispatched to interfere with Mr. Beck’s efforts.
Lord Balthazar stated, “Beck, no, not that I know of, but let me check my iPad. You know you’re lucky to catch me ’cause I’m running late. I’m on my way over to the River Styx Welcome Center to make another damn speech to some new arrivals. We seem to be flooded with lawyers and politicians this time of year, and it’s a bitch getting them all through condemned soul orientation classes. Ok, here it is. Beck, Glenn. Nope, no interference with business plans at all. It says here that the only demons assigned to Beck are the guys he’s always had possessing his mind. Apparently His Majesty Mephistopheles believes they should be sufficient to foil any attempts Mr. Beck makes to be taken seriously.”
His Lordship continued, “It says here that those mental demons are doing such a good job that Beck is slowly fading into insignificance, and who could argue that point? I mean the guy has not had a coherent thought in years. All those conspiracy theories and revisionist histories, they really crack us up! I really cannot wait to meet the guy in person. He should liven things up around here.”
Apparently Mr. Beck has been up to his old tricks weaving a conspiracy where none exists. We at the Times-Picayune are of the opinion that Mr. Beck should now and forever give up on expanding into cable and the only miracle he should ever report is that he is still on the air at all.