Jubilant New Yorkers Throng Times Square After Sean Hannity Announces Imminent Departure


NEW YORK-An estimated crowd of over 200,000 people crowded Times Square and surrounding areas yesterday as word leaked out that Fox News personality and insane person Sean Hannity intends to depart New York and set up camp in the Bible Belt. Hannity made the announcement during a nonsensical rant on his radio program Monday afternoon. The public only found out about the announcement yesterday morning because so few New Yorkers actually listen to the program.

Hannity was responding to comments made by Governor Andrew Cuomo concerning extreme right-wing lunatics and most New Yorker’s desire for them to live elsewhere. Hannity took umbrage to Cuomo’s remarks and said “I want you to know that I can’t wait to get out of here. I really can’t. I don’t want to pay their 10 percent tax anymore.” Hannity continued “I live in the second-highest property-taxed county in the entire country in  Nassau County. I can’t wait to pay no state income tax down in Florida or Texas.”

Hannity continued to rant and rave for the rest of the segment about how oppressive taxes were in New York. “Look, I only made about 24 million last year. By the time I pay federal, state, and local taxes, I barely take home enough to buy a loaf of bread each week. I’m sick of the government giving handouts to lazy poor people and minorities in the form of food stamps and healthcare.  It’s high time the top 1% in this country stood up for its rights. The government has no right to take my hard-earned money and use it to try to help the oppressed and downtrodden! It’s un-American,  counterproductive, and it’s just not the Christian thing to do. You’d never see Jesus hanging out trying to help the poor. Read your Bible if you don’t believe me.”

Although the citizens of New York were exultant over Hannity’s plans, the few intelligent beings inhabiting Florida and Texas were mortified.

“Just what we need,” said former governor Charlie Crist, “another right-wing miscreant moving to Florida. First Rush Limbaugh and now Sean Hannity. Who’s next, that brain-damaged psychopath Glenn Beck? What in God’s name did we do down here to deserve this?”

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