Nation In Shock Over 2014 Budget


WASHINGTON-Yesterday President Obama signed the $1.1 trillion spending bill that will fund the federal government until the end of September. The bill passed with large majorities in both houses of Congress, garnering widespread bipartisan support. The cooperation shown between the two opposing parties stunned most Americans.

“The lack of senseless bickering from both sides has left many Americans speechless,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Center For Sanity In Politics. “The public really does not know what to think about these people actually doing the job they were elected to do. Just when everyone thought that we had a dependable pattern of continuous gridlock caused by a small group of ignorant reactionaries, the rug gets pulled out from under us by this bipartisanship.”

Although most lawmakers were pleased that the country did not have to be embarrassed by another senseless government shutdown, a few were disappointed. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN), who since her election has consistently vied for the crown of “Most Vapid and Ignorant Living Politician,” stated “I just could not bring myself to vote for a bill that spent millions helping lazy poor people and at the same time failed to place the Ten Commandments in every public building in America.”

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was said to be in so much distress over his waning influence that aides were forced to check him into an Austin mental health center where he is said to be suffering from clinical depression.

Tea Party representatives have vowed to continue the fight against bipartisanship and cooperation in Congress. Jenny Beth Martin, national coordinator for the vacuous Tea Party Patriots, stated “We may have lost this round, but we promise the American public that we will make a comeback in 2014. We’ll do our best to embarrass the country in the eyes of the world and we’ll strive to smother economic recovery through another government shutdown if at all possible.”

Right wing think tanks were also upset. The Club For Growth And Enrichment Of The One Percent issued a statement saying “This bill is fat with pork and handouts to the poorest and most oppressed Americans. It’s a disgrace. Subsidies should be reserved for large oil companies and Big Agriculture. If we continue down this road there will be nothing left for the wealthy!”

President Obama was pleased with the cooperation in Congress and praised the work and determination shown by lawmakers in both parties. He was smiling and joking as he signed the bill, which sent Fox News pundits into fits of pique not seen since he signed the Affordable Care Act.

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