TRENTON-At a press conference earlier today New Jersey Governor and GOP presidential hopeful Chris Christie denied any prior knowledge of his aides’ plans to dynamite the George Washington Bridge in the event of a Christie defeat in last year’s gubernatorial race.
“I am absolutely shocked to discover that any of my staff would be so vindictive,” said Christie. “We in the Republican Party have always been champions of the working class, and the destruction of the George Washington Bridge would have caused monetary loss to many of our citizens who commute to work every day in New York. It also would have caused a real hassle for some of my wealthy donors who don’t yet own helicopters, and more than likely would have had a negative impact on my presidential aspirations. All in all I think it was a bad idea.”
The crisis in the Christie administration was brought about by the recent publication of text messages and emails exchanged between two of Christie’s aides. The aides involved in the scandal are both childhood friends of Christie and have been part of his political team from the very beginning, when he ran his first campaign for student body president at Livingston High School.
The aides in question, Sylvio “The Baby Crusher” Soldano and Joey “Sausage Maker” Scarfo, were apparently worried about a Christie loss in the 2013 gubernatorial campaign despite an over 20 point lead in pre-election polls. Not being individuals who take losing lightly, the two concocted extensive plans for revenge on political figures who did not endorse Governor Christie, as well as their respective districts.
Fort Lee and its mayor, Mark Sokolich, were singled out as prime targets for retribution because Sokolich endorsed Democrat Barbara Buono over Christie in the general election which took place on November 5th. Fort Lee is also known as a “hotbed” for Democrat support, as are hundreds of other towns in New Jersey.
According to recently obtained transcripts of emails and text messages, in the event of a Buono victory, Soldano and Scarfo planned to first block all traffic and then use two tons of plastic explosives to demolish the New Jersey side of the bridge. They also had plans to detonate a Cold War era neutron bomb in the center of Fort Lee.
During questioning by the FBI, Soldano admitted that “We wanted to use the neutron device because it causes maximum loss of life while preserving most of the buildings and infrastructure so that they could be used by a friendly administration four years from now. Going with the neutron bomb would have allowed us to ‘take care of’ all those Buono voters without having to spend a bunch of dough on new construction contracts. We just thought of it as a slight ‘modification’ of the New Jersey landscape.”
After a half-hearted apology to Mayor Sokolich and the people of Fort Lee, Governor Christie closed the press conference by defending the actions of his long time aides. “Joey and Sylvio have been loyal team players for as long as I can remember. Sure, sometimes they go a little bit overboard, like the time they ‘disappeared’ my competition for student body president at UD, but they really are generous, fun-loving guys once you get to know them. I promise the good people of New Jersey and this great nation that I’ll give them a ‘good talking to’ about showing more discretion when using electronic communication devices.”
In response to a reporter’s question as he left the dais, Governor Christie vehemently denied persistent rumors that Scarfo had made kielbasa out of former New Jersey Secretary of Agriculture Vinnie Calzone, who has been missing for over six months.