THE RIVER STYX-Exasperated by Bible Belt politics and an “overall lack of respect,” Satan has decided to erect a series of child-friendly monuments and statues of himself around the country, beginning in the very heart of Christendom, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. At a press conference just outside the Gates of Hell, Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar addressed a group of journalists and a sizable gathering of the legions of the damned.
“His Majesty Prince Lucifer feels that he has not been getting enough positive and uplifting press exposure lately. The recent actions of Kim Jong-un and Bashar Assad, as well the abhorrent behavior of Lord Satan’s disciples over at the Westboro Baptist Church, are really hurting our media image. These new monuments and statues are designed to fight all the bad press we have been getting for what seems like eons. Our Lord Mephistopheles has always had a weak spot for children, so the monuments will be designed so that the little darlings will be able to sit in his marble lap for photo ops.”
Working through his loyal followers at the New York-based Satanic Temple, Lucifer unveiled the basic design for the new monuments on Monday. The design was submitted by a New York sculptor as part of a contest held this fall. The contest was open to all artists regardless of religious affiliation. “We did not want to face criticism that we were biased in favor of members of our own sect,” said Lord Balthazar. “We are an equal opportunity organization.”
Minos, Judge of the Dead, led a panel of distinguished personalities that made the final design decision. It included such luminaries as Dionysus, Keres, Asmodeus, and Harvey Keitel. The coveted first prize for the winning design included $100,000 in gold bullion, an all-expense-paid weekend in Vegas, a lifetime free pass at any location of Lucifer’s new chain of Asian massage parlors, and of course the prestige accrued as designer of what will no doubt become a tourist destination for millions of souls.
There are some obstacles to overcome before the monument can be placed at the Oklahoma statehouse, however. Although a monument listing the Ten Commandments sits on Capitol grounds now, having been installed in 2012, government officials and members of the Oklahoma Capitol Preservation Commission have steadfastly refused to allow any other religious group to erect a monument.
“We ain’t gonna let nobody start putting up false idols,” said Billy Bob McSneed, a state representative from Turdflip, Oklahoma. “Those crazy Hindus and Mooselems done already had their monuments rejected, and I’ll be gall-darned if we let the Devil put one up! We are hard workin’ and God fearin’ folks out here and we just ain’t gonna stand for any religious freedom. It just ain’t Christian.”
Lord Balthazar said that the Prince of Darkness was well aware of the obstacles involved in erecting the monument. However, he said that “Lord Satan has numerous friends in the Oklahoma State Legislature, as well as on the Federal Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals. It may take a while, and cost us a few favors, but we’ll get ‘er done.”