FRANKLIN-This time of year, the hubbub of bowl games, the NSA’s latest abominations, and Fox News’ continuing obsession with Obamacare can easily drown out really interesting news items. However, we here at the Times-Picayune like to keep our loyal readers informed. One such news story concerns Ms. Bonita Lynn Vela of Franklin, Indiana. Ms. Vela, an amateur vivisectionist specializing in home castration techniques, was arrested after she apparently attempted the impromptu emasculation of an unwilling participant.
The alleged victim was the boyfriend of one of her female spawn. For obvious reasons the gentleman prefers to remain anonymous. It seems that after smoking a small quantity of what must have been some excellent weed, Ms. Vela became a little suspicious of her potential son-in-law’s activities, and like any red-blooded American mom, she took decisive action.
According to reports Vela lured the unsuspecting dude to her trailer where she and two henchmen detained him for over three hours. During this “unlawful confinement” Ms. Vela used “enhanced interrogation techniques” to determine whether the gentleman had attempted to molest her two-year old son or had in any way “messed with her daughter.”
The unfortunate victim vehemently denied any such activity, which is quite understandable considering Ms. Vela was threatening to remove or at the very least disfigure his manhood. He told deputies that he then heard the question feared by men around the world: “Your penis or your life, which will it be?”
After pondering his options for a few moments Mr. X decided on life. At that point Ms. Vela used a box-cutter obtained at a nearby Dollar Store to slice his penis with a “masterful diagonal stroke showing great skill and dexterity,” according to Henchman “A.” Henchman “B” added, “Bonita has practiced many long hours and put in as much work perfecting her craft as a Samurai warrior. She really is a pleasure to observe. It’s like poetry in motion.”
Mr. X was then released and told to “have a nice day.”
After neighbors in the “Abandon All Hope RV Park” complained to the sheriff’s department of “unusually loud screams, even for this place” deputies arrived at the scene. When questioned, Vela admitted to smoking a little pot, but could not remember if she had consumed any other drugs in the immediate past. She also admitted that she had “a little come-to-Jesus” meeting with her daughter’s boyfriend.
Ms. Vela was swiftly arrested and transported to the Johnson County Detention Center where she was interrogated by Chief Inspector Pagan Morse, Detective Harry “Snapper” Organs (on loan from Q Division), and Cardinal Fang, liaison officer from the Vatican. Ms. Vela freely admitted that she masterminded the abduction and “interview” of Mr. X. She also admitted that she used some “unorthodox procedures,” but that they were required given the circumstances.
“After the fork failed to draw blood, I had to opt for the box-cutter, said Vela. “I want that S.O.B. to think of me every time he becomes aroused.”
Inspector Morse then suggested that if Mr. X thought of her first, the poor guy would never get aroused again.
Ms. Vela has been charged with battery with a deadly weapon, criminal confinement with a deadly weapon, and failure to comprehend any concepts beyond a third-grade level.