PYONGYANG-Jang Song Thaek, uncle of Kim Jong-Un, North Korea’s “Dearest Most Compassionate Empathetic Loving Leader,” managed to stay alive a full sixty minutes before succumbing to wounds suffered during his recent lengthy execution. Jang was thus awarded the coveted gold medal for “Endurance During an Execution Before Expiration.” The medal was awarded posthumously and will proudly be placed on the wall of his widow’s hovel.
A sportswriter for the Pyongyang Daily Bugle told us that the method of execution was critical for Jang’s successful bid for the record. “It appears that Jang was stripped naked and slowly ripped to pieces by starving Alsatian canines,” said the reporter, whose name is being withheld lest he be fed alive to driver ants imported from Africa. Jang’s competition consisted of several aides and close associates, but none could match his impressive sixty minute survival time. “Jang showed great strength and courage, along with nimble feet for a man his age,” said the reporter. But there were a few dissenting voices on the peninsula.
“There have been a few complaints, anonymous of course, that Jang had an unfair advantage and should not hold the endurance record on top of winning the gold,” said the reporter. “For example, past winners of the gold were obliterated with anti-aircraft guns, fired out of cannons, or immolated with napalm. How could they be expected to compete with being slowly dismembered by dogs? Some believe that there should be a totally different category of execution competition solely dedicated to being eaten alive by ravenous animals.”
However, no criticism of the event was voiced by the nearly 300 government officials who witnessed the competition. “Our Dearest Blessed Compassionate Fair Kind Attractive Rebounding All-Star Point Guard Leader provided us with free Tsingtao and popcorn for the event,” said Pak Pong-ju, current Premier of Cabinet. “We could not have had a better time. It was a true pleasure seeing these shadowy political figures give their all in this glorious competition! Their hard work and dedication should be an example to all North Koreans.”
With the help of diplomat Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong-un has campaigned tirelessly to have various execution events included in the upcoming 2030 Winter Olympic Games to be held in Pyongyang, but so far the treasury has been unable to come up with the requisite bribe money for the Olympic Committee. It seems that budget constraints have interfered with the effort. “We have to keep our priorities in order,” said Kim. “Producing a rocket that can carry a nuclear payload more than five or six miles has to come first.”
Development of an accurate rocket that does not spontaneously combust on the launch pad or explode harmlessly over the Pacific Ocean has been a problem due to the high mortality rate of foreign-educated North Korean missile technicians. “It takes a lot of cash to have these dudes trained and sneak them back in from Iran,” said Kim. However, the Glorious Rock Star Studmaster Kind Forgiving Leader has announced plans to cut back on the “overly generous” food rations provided to the North Korean citizenry, thus allowing the treasury to come up with enough funds to achieve both goals.