“Mommy, why does that homeless man glow in the dark?”

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TOKYO-In an apparent attempt to “kill two birds with one stone,” the Japanese government, via construction companies and the Japanese Mafia, is using homeless men to clean up highly radioactive debris in the area surrounding the Fukushima nuclear power plant. The plant was of course devastated by the Tohoku earthquake and subsequent tsunami on March 11th, 2011, leaving a large area contaminated with radioactive isotopes.

The cleanup of radioactive debris is a monumental problem that is expected to take as long as 50 years and is already three years behind schedule. The Japanese government has awarded contracts to the private sector worth billions of dollars to aid in the effort. Obayashi, Japan’s second-largest construction company, is one of many benefiting from the taxpayer money.

Recently it has been revealed that Japan’s three largest and most creative criminal syndicates, Yamaguchi-gami, Sumiyoshi-kai, and Inagawa-kai, have set up recruiting agencies to supply Obayashi and other construction companies with cheap labor in the form of homeless and otherwise desperate human beings. The unfortunate recruits receive less than minimum wage after the ingenious gangsters take their share of the loot.

A spokesman for Yamaguchi-gami, Mr. Tojo Yamamoto, stated “This system is great victory for everyone involved. Construction companies happy, gangsters happy, homeless drunks happy, government happy. We all velly happy!”

Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly praised the effort, saying that it just goes to show how “damn industrious those wacky Orientals are.” He continued, “It really warms my heart to see corporations force the downtrodden into performing life-threatening tasks for such low pay.”

United States Chamber of Commerce president Nelson Robberbaron agreed. “I can remember when U.S. corporations used to go to Japan to study the highly efficient production and management practices of Sony and Toyota. Now, the Japanese are imitating us! The union of corporate America with the GOP is finally bearing fruit. For example, experts from all over the world are coming here to study how we manage to exploit poor whites while convincing them to vote against their economic interests. It makes me feel good that America is at the leading edge of at least one trend!”

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Japanese government officials deny any radiation hazard around Fukushima despite numerous reports of unusual sea creatures in the area

Japanese government officials played-down the role of gangsters in the hiring process as well as the dangers involved. In a statement released earlier this week, Prime Minister Shinzo Abe’s office said that the “rumors suggesting that the homeless were being exploited were overblown,” and reports of high radiation levels surrounding the Fukushima plant and in the sea water nearby were “wildly exaggerated.” The statement painted a very optimistic picture of the cleanup efforts, stating that the entire area should be ready for human habitation no later than the year 3015.

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