PANAMA CITY, FLORIDA-Government officials are becoming alarmed by the increasing number of citizens found sound asleep in their cars, on their lawns, and in a variety of public places around Greater Cretonia. It seems that the region’s drug users and suppliers are not immune to the paralyzing effects of Winter Storm Leon.
The Bay County Sheriff’s department has reported at least 249 instances of residents found asleep in odd places in the last 24 hours alone. Thousands more have been sighted in rural areas around the southeast.
Sheriff’s department spokesman Billy Bob Scrotum spoke with CNN early this morning: “It’s crazy as hell out there. We’ve found folks asleep behind the wheel of their pickups, ATV’s, aluminum bass boats, and even on old Schwinn bicycles. We’ve found comatose junkies halfway out of their trailers and in their yards. We even found one dude curled up next to the pink flamingo beside his work shed. The neighbors said he kept asking it for a syringe before passing out. One girl fell asleep halfway from her car to the door of the CVS down on the corner of Robert E. Lee Avenue and Jeff Davis Memorial Parkway. Frankly we are at a loss for what to do here. We simply do not have enough cells to house all these nuts.” Deputy Scrotum was then called away to the site of the 6th exploding trailer of the morning.
CNN also interviewed Billy Wayne “Shakes” Snodgrass, a highly respected “chef” and founder of the ‘Two Men and a Meth Lab’ franchise so popular in rural America. “I want all of my loyal customers out there to know that help is on the way. We have set our carefully planned and organized Meth Relief Plan in motion. I have mobilized all of our dealers who own horses and mules and we will be making deliveries as soon as possible. I know the weather has made it impossible for all you amateurs to get to the drug store for supplies, but always remember we are there for you. Try to stay awake until we arrive and have your cash or stolen electronics ready. A special note for our female customers, I’m sorry but we just won’t have time to trade powder for sex until the authorities get off their asses and clear the roads.”
Temperatures across Cretonia are expected to rise in the next few days which should make supply runs possible for suffering addicts. The only problem will be waking them up from deep comas as many of them have gone for several years without sleep of any kind.