“Now I guess I’ll have to tell ’em that I ain’t got no sarahbellum!”


ATLANTA-Tragedy was narrowly averted yesterday at a Sarah Palin book-signing just north of Atlanta, Georgia. The event was taking place at the Compassionate Conservative Bookstore in Marietta, seat and largest city in Cobb County, home of the infamous Newt Gingrich.

The stop was one of many scheduled by Palin in the period between Christmas and New Year’s Day. It was part of her “Southern Strategy” to blitzkrieg the Bible Belt in an attempt to sell as many copies as possible of her new book before the end the year. The book, Good Tidings and Great Joy, is Palin’s fantastical and bizarre treatise on the mythical “War on Christmas.”

According to eyewitnesses, Palin was seated behind a table, signing books for a huge crowd of at least a dozen eager customers, when she spotted the local Fox affiliate setting up for a post-signing interview in the parking lot. She then apparently made a guttural snorting sound, vaulted the table, and stampeded through the crowd in route to the cameras.

“It was terrifying,” said Molly Ringworm, assistant manager of the store. “Once she saw those cameras she lowered her head and crashed through the crowd like a bull moose during the rut!”

A young woman and her infant were seriously injured and taken to nearby Kennestone Hospital for blunt-force trauma, apparently caused by impact with the top of Palin’s skull. They have since been released and are expected to make a full recovery. Spokesperson for the hospital, Ms Myrna Thadditch, told reporters that it was a close call but the pair managed to avoid any deep puncture wounds so often caused by Palin’s hooves in similar incidents.


Artist’s rendering of Stegoceras and its thick skull

We were able to contact Dr. Alan Grant, famed paleontologist currently teaching at Emory University in Atlanta, to get some insight into Palin’s behavior. “This head-butting activity is seen in a wide variety of extant species such as bighorn sheep, bison, and musk-ox, to name a few. It was also quite common in some dinosaur species such as Stegoceras, who was practically designed for high-speed head butting.” Dr. Grant continued, “Palin’s skull must be the consistency of an anvil to be able to take these repeated blows without fracturing. It’s amazing!”

Dr. Tobias Anthrax, a noted psychologist and colleague of Grant’s, chimed in “This head-butting could help explain some of the disjointed rambling and historical revisionism that so defines her literary efforts. No human can take that kind of repeated pounding to the cranium without a commensurate decrease in mental capacity, I don’t care how thick her skull is.”

Times-Picayune reporter Spiny Norman was able to contact Marietta police chief Harry “Snapper” Organs in an effort to determine whether Palin would be charged. “Well, normally we don’t take too kindly to someone trampling our citizens like a rogue elephant, but considering her political affiliation I think we can let her go with just a warning this time,” said Organs.

Palin offered only this brief statement in explanation for the incident: “Everything that occurs in the universe is ultimately the will of God. Therefore I cannot be blamed either for injuries to people who get in my way or for my sub-par prose. It is vitally important that people hear what I have to say so we can try to reverse the tragic decay of our republic caused by Obamacare and the insidious ‘War on Christmas.’ Therefore, the more often I appear on television the better it is for this wonderful Christian nation.”

The book-signing blitz is apparently continuing apace with stops in Birmingham, Montgomery, Jackson and Little Rock scheduled for today.

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