Shocking New Revelations From Edward Snowden


MOSCOW-During his first annual Christmas special from a stylish dacha located just outside Moscow, Edward Snowden revealed what may be the most insidious of all the intrusive NSA spy programs.

The variety show, “A Very Snowden Christmas” was broadcast around the world on BBC Channel 4. It featured a Stoli chugging contest, a chess tournament in real-time, readings from Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment, and a viewing of the recent hit internet movie “Babushkas Gone Wild!”

However, the main event was Snowden’s three-hour rumination on the loss of privacy and its potential effects on society in the future. During this linguistic marathon Snowden casually mentioned what can only be described as a monstrous NSA program code-named “Satan’s Claws.”

The program has apparently been active for over four years. It seems that in a rare case of inter-agency cooperation, the FBI and NSA managed to coerce Santa Claus into gathering video and DNA evidence for use by the intelligence community. The program takes advantage of the notorious “sneak and peek” provision of the Patriot Act. Once per year on Christmas Eve, Santa snaps photos and records video of the interior of millions of American homes. He also takes mouth swabs from suspicious characters and “dissidents” while they sleep. The photos, videos and DNA samples are then entered in a huge database for possible use by government agencies at a later date.

When asked to define “dissident” for purposes of the program, Snowden said “You know dissidents, unsavory characters like liberals, members of the press, Hollywood types, basically anyone who votes Democrat.”

Snowden went on to say that at first Mr. Claus was very reluctant to participate in such a sinister program. However, when FBI agents showed Santa some old surveillance photos and threatened to expose him, he finally agreed to participate. Apparently the rumors about Santa and his Elves are true.

“A Very Snowden Christmas” turned out to be a huge hit in Russia where over 20 million homes tuned in on black and white television sets. Snowden closed the program by sliding down a pole with a vodka martini in his hand a la Dean Martin. He then strolled off the stage to the tune of the “March” from Prokofiev’s The Love of Three Oranges, with a gorgeous blonde on each arm.

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