Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, offered to pardon every Fox News anchor and pundit today if they solemnly swear to never mention Obamacare again. Each television personality would be granted immunity for all other sins and be given free passage to Heaven upon death, and the Prince of Darkness would give up all rights to their eternal souls.
It seems that Mephistopheles and his lieutenants have been driven to distraction by the incessant round-the-clock drumbeat of inane and preposterous criticism about Obamacare.
At a press conference on the banks of the River Styx, Hades Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told a gathering of reporters and other condemned souls that “His Majesty is simply fed up and has had enough. For millennia we have always been the ‘go-to’ guys for torment, agony, suffering and hopelessness. Now here come these upstarts on a television network trying to ‘horn-in’ on our turf!” Balthazar continued, “However, let it be known that there’s no ‘War on Christmas’ down here, and as vile as these creatures are, His Majesty is willing to give them a second chance. From pompous Bill O’Reilly to hysterical Megyn Kelly, they all have the opportunity to do what is right and shut the hell up about Obamacare.”
Minos, Judge of the Dead, added, “We tried sending a ‘cease and desist’ order but it had no effect because Fox has no respect for the law. Apparently these people are so bent on denying health care to the poor that they will stop at nothing. I’ve never seen such a lack of compassion. It makes us look like a bunch of amateurs.”
Keres, hideous she-demon of violent death and disease, was also present at the press conference. “Look, I’m somewhat of an expert on health care. It’s my job to tear souls out of the dying, so I know what I’m talking about, and no health care system could be half as bad as what Greta Van Susteren describes on her show. And that idiot Sean Hannity, I’d rather rip my own head off rather than hear his vacuous arguments.”
Lord Balthazar emphasized that this was a one time deal and the agreements had to be signed by the end of the calendar year in order to be valid.
At the close of the presser Horkos was given a stack of Fed Ex envelopes and told by Balthazar to deliver the personalized contracts to each Fox anchor and pundit by the close of business today. No official word was given on what action Beelzebub will take if the agreements are rejected, but our sources in the Underworld tell us that as a last resort the Devil would offer Fox News employees lucrative positions in Purgatory tormenting the impure.