Stockman Announces Candidacy for U.S. Senate

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Tea Party darling and unhinged homophobe Steve Stockman has announced his candidacy for the Texas senate seat currently occupied by John Cornyn, one of the most powerful members of Congress.

Presently Stockman represents Texas’ 36th congressional district, just east of Houston. Known around Washington as “Hillbilly Frankenstein”, Stockman is famous for his outrageous comments, tweets, and antics on the House floor.

Stockman has a long and bizarre history in both Texas and D.C. The product of mid-20th century genetic experiments, Stockman began life in a remote village in Bolivia. He was patched together by refugee German scientists who fled Hitler’s Germany in early 1945. Body parts were obtained from the victims of right-wing death squads around South America.

Amphibian and reptile DNA was used to help weave together Stockman’s disparate parts. Scientists in the U.S. think that this fact has a lot to do with his incoherent outbursts and inability to reason. Stockman at times shows flashes of human consciousness, but in the main he exhibits the more primitive instinctive features of lizards and snakes.

“The man operates almost completely on the level of an insect,” said Dr. John Small Berries of the Genetic Research Center in Austin, Texas. “He suffers from three distinct mental disorders, and like many members of these fringe groups, he has none of the qualities we normally attribute to human beings, such as compassion and empathy. He does not possess a rudimentary ‘theory of mind’, an attribute that is present in even some of the less developed mammals such as chimps and elephants.”

Stockman’s outrageous comments and positions over his political career are too numerous to list, but here are a few high points:

He compared President Obama’s use of kids as props to Saddam Hussein’s use of human shields. He has ties to various militia groups around the U.S. He wanted to charge Janet Reno for premeditated murder for the Waco tragedy. He steadfastly refuses to make public the sources of his sizable campaign donations. He advocates giving infants firearms. He authored a press release claiming that the comet ISON was piloted by the prophet Ezekiel and appeared to warn U.S. citizens about the evils of Obamacare.

Some of his tweets:

“If babies had guns, they would not be aborted.”

“Our children are taught that they are sexual from birth, that any type of sex is a valid outlet for their emotions. They are taught that the problem with sex is not that it is wrong to engage in homosexual, bestial, underage, or premarital sex, but that it is wrong to do so without protection.”

“Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.”

Stockman’s lack of higher brain function was on full display when he gave the reasons for his challenge to Cornyn in the Senate. He repeatedly referred to Cornyn as a liberal, the equivalent of calling Michele Bachman a polymath. He also claimed that he was fighting Obamacare in a foxhole while Cornyn was bayoneting him in the back.

Political experts give Stockman about the same odds of winning as they do John Boehner moving inside the Arctic Circle. But if nothing else Texans and the rest of America will get a good display of what happens when a brain-damaged miscreant runs for a U.S. Senate seat.

We called on friend of the column Dr. Frank Black for his comments. “It’s a damn shame. In the late eighties Stockman showed some promise,” Black said. “For a short while he showed signs of higher brain function and began to show some human traits. He even embraced his roots by overcoming his self-repression and embracing a gay lifestyle. He even went so far as to open a bed and breakfast and enrolled in a ceramics class,” Black continued. “However, when the b and b went bust (it was located adjacent to a Houston oil refinery) he just devolved into the Bible-thumping paranoid schizophrenic we see today.”

There is no word yet on what Stockman plans to do after his absurd senate run is squashed. One can only hope he moves back to the Bolivian jungles to ruminate with the descendents of his creators.

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