Popes Gone Wild! (Holiday Edition)

pope francis

Pope Francis went out of his ecclesiastical mind last week by suggesting in his Evangelii Gaudium that Christians should actually live according to the teachings of Christ. Among other things, the Pope criticized the excessive greed associated with unfettered capitalism.

The Pope has recently exhibited other forms of instability by stating that we should show compassion for the poor and accept as equals those of other faiths and lifestyles. He is also rumored to participate in questionable nocturnal activities such as ministering to homeless people in soup kitchens and on the street while dressed as a common priest.

All of this finally became too much for good Christians to bear, and veritable hail of brimstone erupted from the mouths of conservative pundits and pro capitalist ministers across America.

Rush Limbaugh (net worth 370-400 million) was first to pontificate over the Apostolic Exhortation. He essentially called the Pope a dimwit who was unable to understand classic economic theory. He also called the document “pure Marxism.” Limbaugh, borrowing a page from Glenn Beck’s book, blamed it on a conspiracy, stating “somebody has either written this for him or gotten to him.”  Next week Limbaugh plans a thorough explanation of why gluttony is not really a sin.

Next to jump on the creaky, unstable conservative bandwagon was Jonathon Moseley, a well-known Virginia defense attorney and Tea Party kook. Mr. Moseley made it clear that Jesus supports capitalism and was mortified by the Pope’s most recent antics. He informed us that “Jesus was weeping in heaven” over the Evangelii Gaudium. “Jesus was a capitalist, preaching personal responsibility, not a socialist” he said. In the same article, Moseley stated that “the consumer is king,” which is somewhat confusing to those of us who have been taught all our lives that Christ was King.

In the past Mr. Moseley has enlightened us with Jesus’ opinions on a wide range of political topics, including but not limited to Obamacare, immigration reform, gay marriage, and the capital gains tax. He “has it on good authority” that Jesus founded the Northern Nazareth Chapter of the Tea Party 2000 years ago and agrees with 95% of its current political stances.  Moseley is apparently one of the very few in human history blessed with a direct conduit to the Almighty, much like Joan of Arc. However, unlike Joan who saw visions of Christ, Moseley receives his insider info on a Dick Tracy-style wrist communicator with a built-in magic decoder ring.

Thanks to Limbaugh, Moseley, and a horde of capitalistic ministries, Christians world-wide can rest easy with the tried and true “lip service on Sunday, unbridled greed and hateful rhetoric during the week” method of religious worship.

In fact, the Right Reverend Vince Snetterton Lewis, best-selling author of “Christianity for Fun and Profit” and leader of  Our Lady of  Laissez Faire Ministries in Tampa Florida, stated “Jesus, if he were alive today, probably would run a hedge fund or be the CEO of  a massive corporation. He was a strong proponent of wealth in all its forms. No way would he support all the safety nets for the poor we have in this country!” Lewis continued, “We plan on issuing our own proclamation, the ‘Dineros Maximus’ refuting all this Papal nonsense. Happily, it will be  just in time for the Christmas shopping season.”

Needless to say none of these cretins would recognize Jesus Christ if he were standing directly in front of them. One can only hope that if Jesus ever does return to earth he will fly into Sea Tac and limit his ministry to the Pacific Northwest. Otherwise he would be jailed and eventually be committed to an insane asylum.

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