“Now I guess I’ll have to tell ’em that I ain’t got no sarahbellum!”


ATLANTA-Tragedy was narrowly averted yesterday at a Sarah Palin book-signing just north of Atlanta, Georgia. The event was taking place at the Compassionate Conservative Bookstore in Marietta, seat and largest city in Cobb County, home of the infamous Newt Gingrich.

The stop was one of many scheduled by Palin in the period between Christmas and New Year’s Day. It was part of her “Southern Strategy” to blitzkrieg the Bible Belt in an attempt to sell as many copies as possible of her new book before the end the year. The book, Good Tidings and Great Joy, is Palin’s fantastical and bizarre treatise on the mythical “War on Christmas.”

According to eyewitnesses, Palin was seated behind a table, signing books for a huge crowd of at least a dozen eager customers, when she spotted the local Fox affiliate setting up for a post-signing interview in the parking lot. She then apparently made a guttural snorting sound, vaulted the table, and stampeded through the crowd in route to the cameras.

“It was terrifying,” said Molly Ringworm, assistant manager of the store. “Once she saw those cameras she lowered her head and crashed through the crowd like a bull moose during the rut!”

A young woman and her infant were seriously injured and taken to nearby Kennestone Hospital for blunt-force trauma, apparently caused by impact with the top of Palin’s skull. They have since been released and are expected to make a full recovery. Spokesperson for the hospital, Ms Myrna Thadditch, told reporters that it was a close call but the pair managed to avoid any deep puncture wounds so often caused by Palin’s hooves in similar incidents.


Artist’s rendering of Stegoceras and its thick skull

We were able to contact Dr. Alan Grant, famed paleontologist currently teaching at Emory University in Atlanta, to get some insight into Palin’s behavior. “This head-butting activity is seen in a wide variety of extant species such as bighorn sheep, bison, and musk-ox, to name a few. It was also quite common in some dinosaur species such as Stegoceras, who was practically designed for high-speed head butting.” Dr. Grant continued, “Palin’s skull must be the consistency of an anvil to be able to take these repeated blows without fracturing. It’s amazing!”

Dr. Tobias Anthrax, a noted psychologist and colleague of Grant’s, chimed in “This head-butting could help explain some of the disjointed rambling and historical revisionism that so defines her literary efforts. No human can take that kind of repeated pounding to the cranium without a commensurate decrease in mental capacity, I don’t care how thick her skull is.”

Times-Picayune reporter Spiny Norman was able to contact Marietta police chief Harry “Snapper” Organs in an effort to determine whether Palin would be charged. “Well, normally we don’t take too kindly to someone trampling our citizens like a rogue elephant, but considering her political affiliation I think we can let her go with just a warning this time,” said Organs.

Palin offered only this brief statement in explanation for the incident: “Everything that occurs in the universe is ultimately the will of God. Therefore I cannot be blamed either for injuries to people who get in my way or for my sub-par prose. It is vitally important that people hear what I have to say so we can try to reverse the tragic decay of our republic caused by Obamacare and the insidious ‘War on Christmas.’ Therefore, the more often I appear on television the better it is for this wonderful Christian nation.”

The book-signing blitz is apparently continuing apace with stops in Birmingham, Montgomery, Jackson and Little Rock scheduled for today.

BOWL-O-RAMA! Your Guide To Some of This Year’s More Obscure Bowl Games


SANTA ROSA BEACH-We here at the Times-Picayune get just as frustrated as anyone trying to maximize our football viewing pleasure while having to deal with pesky relative visits and archaic religious holidays. So we decided to post a guide to some of the remaining bowl games that peaked our interest. We have omitted the participant teams, times, and stations so that you can print out the guide and use it in the years to come. Please consult your local listings for broadcast times and networks. We have tried when possible to give locations, sponsors, and announcers.

December 31st:

  • The Astro-Bubonic Bowl-Houston, Texas  Sponsors: NASA/The Centers for Disease Control  Play by play: Ira Flatow
  • The Excellence in Broadcasting Misogynist’s Bowl-Miami Gardens, Florida  Sponsors: American Bullion and Lifelock Play by play: Rush Limbaugh Color commentary by Mr. Snerdley
  • The Voodoo-Induced Earthquake Bowl-Port Au Prince, Haiti  Sponsor: The Christian Right  Play by play: Pat Robertson Color commentary by the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken)
  • The Duck Dynasty Homophobic Racist Bowl-West Monroe, Louisiana  Sponsor: A&E  Play by play: Phil Robertson Color commentary by Alec Baldwin

January 1st:

  • The Second Amendment Automatic Weapons Bowl-Fairfax, Virginia  Sponsor: The National Rifle Association Play by play: Wayne La Pierre  Color commentary by George Zimmerman
  • The Wingnut Conspiracy Theory Bowl-Salt Lake City, Utah  Sponsor: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon)  Play by play: Glenn Beck  Color commentary by Steve Stockman
  • The British Petroleum Environmental Disaster Bowl-New Orleans, Louisiana  Sponsor: BP  Play by play: James Carville  Color commentary by Anderson Cooper
  • The Fukushima Genetic Mutation Bowl-Tokyo, Japan  Sponsor: Tokyo Electric Power  Play by play: Former Prime Minister Naoto Kan  Color commentary by Godzilla

January 2nd:

  • The Victoria’s Secret Implant Bowl-New York, New York  Sponsors: Allergan Natrelle and Mentor MemoryGel  Play by play: Salvatore Ferragamo Jr  Color commentary by Hugh Hefner
  • The Viagra-Cialis Erectile Dysfunction Bowl-Groton, Connecticut  Sponsor: Pfizer  Play by play: Michael Douglas  Color commentary by Charlie Sheen  CAUTION: Be sure to consult a physician if this game goes into overtime.

January 3rd:

  • The Sudafed Methamphetamine Bowl-Fort Washington, Pennsylvania  Sponsor: McNeil Laboratories, a Division of Johnson and Johnson  Play by play: Alex Gorsky  Color commentary by Michele Leonhart
  • The Florida Department of Corrections Incarceration Bowl-Tallahassee, Florida  Sponsor: The Florida Lottery  Play by play: Governor Rick Scott  Color commentary by George Zimmerman (we wish)

January 4th:

  • The Perazzi 28 Gauge Over and Under Bowl-Corpus Christi, Texas  Sponsors: Perazzi and Browning  Play by play: Dick Cheney  Color commentary by Harry Whittington
  • The American Family Neo-Fascist Bowl-Tupelo, Mississippi  Sponsors: The Tea Party/Hobby Lobby  Play by play: Tim Wildmon Color commentary by Bryan Fischer
  • The Very Excellent Laid-Back and Stress Free Bowl-Boulder, Colorado  Sponsor: NORML Play by play: Phil Lesh  Color commentary by Dr. Tim Leary (from the Great Beyond)

January 5th:

  • The Organophosphate Nerve Agent Bowl-Damascus, Syria  Sponsor: The Russian Republic  Play by play: Bashar al-Assad  Color commentary by Vladamir Putin
  • The Cruz-Bachmann Bowl For the Mentally Challenged-Stillwater Minnesota or Waterloo, Iowa  Sponsor: The Tea Party  Play by play: Senator Ted Cruz  Color commentary by Representative Michele Bachmann
  • The Benghazi Conspiracy and Cover-Up Bowl-Benghazi, Lybia Sponsor: Fox News  Play by play: Sean Hannity  Color commentary by Hillary Clinton

And the “grandaddy of them all” on January 8th:

  • The Obamacare DEATH PANEL Bowl-Washington, D.C. Sponsor: healthcare.gov  Play by play: Kathleen Sebeleius Color commentary by Satan, Prince of Darkness

Unfortunately a few bowls had to be canceled this year:

  • The Chevron Global Warming Bowl-The North Pole (Canceled due to inclement weather)
  • The Compassionate Conservative Bowl-Washington, D.C. (Canceled because of low attendance)
  • The Keith Olbermann Miscreant Bowl-New York, New York (Canceled due to low ratings)

We at the Cretonia Times-Picayune hope that this guide helps you in your quest to view or record as many football games as possible during the holiday season. Of course we believe that American football cannot compare with the beautiful game as played in the Barclay’s Premier League. We highly recommend it.

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Drone Strike”


Have yourself a merry little drone strike, let your heart be light

From now on our victims will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, make the Yuletide gay

From now on our pilots will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of gore

Faithful rebels who were dear to us, are not near to us anymore

Through the years we all will be together, if the courts allow

Hang a bloody corpse upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little drone strike now

ISLAMABAD-As Christmas Day approaches and millions of Americans are celebrating the birth of Christ by purchasing presents from Walmart, our military marked the occasion by obliterating a few suspected militants in Yemen and North Waziristan. Although administration officials declined comment on the strikes, we managed to reach General Jack Ripper USAF (Ret) for his thoughts on the matter.

Iraqi Freedom

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like a series of massive bombs detonating right in the middle of a wedding procession!

“It has become a sort of Christmas tradition,” said General Ripper. “The holidays are the perfect time to hit the enemy because we can target weddings and other gatherings during the slow news cycle back home. Most Americans are more concerned with the mythical “War on Christmas” than with innocent people being vaporized in the name of democracy. Drone strikes are great because they are the most cost-effective way to provoke the locals and swell the ranks of our terrorist opponents. If we face growing numbers of terrorists then it is much easier to justify a bloated defense budget and intrusive information-gathering programs.”


General Ripper spoke to us from a private suite in the psychiatric wing of Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland

General Ripper continued, “These savages living in mud huts thousands of miles away constitute a clear and present danger to our way of life and our republic, and the startling truth is that there are at least a few dozen of them. Furthermore, these guys are believed to be the masterminds behind the evil worldwide plot to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids,” said Ripper. “Our nation is a righteous one founded on Christian principles,chosen by God and Jesus to lead the free world, and if we have to blow up the rest of the globe to prove it, then by God that’s what we’re gonna do!” General Ripper had to end our phone interview at that point because it was time for the night nurse to distribute medication.

Pakistani and Yemeni government officials have protested the drone strikes as being counter-productive, and serve only to provoke lunatic religious fanatics. They have advised citizens living in tribal areas that during traditional infidel holidays a trip to a large town may be in order, and all New Year’s Eve celebrations should be held in caves deep underground.

Shocking New Revelations From Edward Snowden


MOSCOW-During his first annual Christmas special from a stylish dacha located just outside Moscow, Edward Snowden revealed what may be the most insidious of all the intrusive NSA spy programs.

The variety show, “A Very Snowden Christmas” was broadcast around the world on BBC Channel 4. It featured a Stoli chugging contest, a chess tournament in real-time, readings from Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment, and a viewing of the recent hit internet movie “Babushkas Gone Wild!”

However, the main event was Snowden’s three-hour rumination on the loss of privacy and its potential effects on society in the future. During this linguistic marathon Snowden casually mentioned what can only be described as a monstrous NSA program code-named “Satan’s Claws.”

The program has apparently been active for over four years. It seems that in a rare case of inter-agency cooperation, the FBI and NSA managed to coerce Santa Claus into gathering video and DNA evidence for use by the intelligence community. The program takes advantage of the notorious “sneak and peek” provision of the Patriot Act. Once per year on Christmas Eve, Santa snaps photos and records video of the interior of millions of American homes. He also takes mouth swabs from suspicious characters and “dissidents” while they sleep. The photos, videos and DNA samples are then entered in a huge database for possible use by government agencies at a later date.

When asked to define “dissident” for purposes of the program, Snowden said “You know dissidents, unsavory characters like liberals, members of the press, Hollywood types, basically anyone who votes Democrat.”

Snowden went on to say that at first Mr. Claus was very reluctant to participate in such a sinister program. However, when FBI agents showed Santa some old surveillance photos and threatened to expose him, he finally agreed to participate. Apparently the rumors about Santa and his Elves are true.

“A Very Snowden Christmas” turned out to be a huge hit in Russia where over 20 million homes tuned in on black and white television sets. Snowden closed the program by sliding down a pole with a vodka martini in his hand a la Dean Martin. He then strolled off the stage to the tune of the “March” from Prokofiev’s The Love of Three Oranges, with a gorgeous blonde on each arm.

CIA Whistleblower Confirms That Santa Claus Is White


LONDON-At an early morning press conference held at The Guadian’s London headquarters, spokesman Lord John Wharfin announced that the paper had obtained incontrovertible evidence that Santa Claus is in fact a Caucasian.

Lord Wharfin displayed a series of grainy long-range surveillance photographs along with a statement from a mole within the C.I.A. The photos revealed a bearded man in a red suit backing a rental truck up to the dock of a C.I.A. “black site” somewhere in the Balkans. “As you can plainly see from this photograph, Santa is undoubtedly a white man,” Wharfin said.

The series of photos showed Santa leaning out of the truck with a cigarette dangling from his mouth using the driver’s side mirror to line up the rear of the truck with the loading bay. Wharfin continued, “We can also deduce that Santa smokes Camels and the burst blood vessels around the nose and cheeks indicate that he is a heavy drinker.”

An unnamed informant told The Guardian that Santa was delivering a vintage “Brazen Bull” from Sicily, once used by Phalaris, tyrant of Akragas, to execute unruly citizens. The C.I.A. had placed the Bull at the top of its Christmas list this year. Santa apparently obtained the Bull from a surplus store in Palermo.

The “Brazen Bull” has been a tried and true torture and execution device for millenia. It is a hollow bull cast from bronze or gold into which the condemned are placed while a fire is set under it. As the bull heats up, the unfortunates inside slowly roast to death. All in all it can be a rather unpleasant experience.

Traditionally, brazen bulls have been equipped with devices on the snout which convert the screams of the damned into beautiful music. However, the C.I.A. model has been modified to produce confessions and information that the intelligence community wants to hear, regardless of its veracity.

A "Brazen Bull" from Phalaris' first production run circa 550 BC

A “Brazen Bull” from Phalaris’ first production run circa 550 BC

In a written statement read aloud by Lord Wharfin the mysterious whistleblower said, “For some time now the Agency has been casting about for a replacement for waterboarding and long-term sleep deprivation. We have just had too much bad press on those two methods of torture. The drone program is cool, but it’s damn near impossible to interrogate anyone after they and their families have been blown to bits by high explosive. The ‘Bull’ offers us a viable alternative, and who knows, maybe later we can sell a few knock-offs to the FBI or DEA for domestic use.”

Lord Wharfin closed the press conference by saying that The Guardian did not in any way support the torture of any individuals under any circumstances. The disclosure regarding the “Brazen Bull” was merely a by-product of its efforts to determine the racial background of a mythical character purported to visit millions of homes on Jesus’ birthday.

In the Spirit of the Season, Satan Offers Fox News Anchors Blanket Amnesty


Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, offered to pardon every Fox News anchor and pundit today if they solemnly swear to never mention Obamacare again. Each television personality would be granted immunity for all other sins and be given free passage to Heaven upon death, and the Prince of Darkness would give up all rights to their eternal souls.

It seems that Mephistopheles and his lieutenants have been driven to distraction by the incessant round-the-clock drumbeat of inane and preposterous criticism about Obamacare.

At a press conference on the banks of the River Styx, Hades Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told a gathering of reporters and other condemned souls that “His Majesty is simply fed up and has had enough. For millennia we have always been the ‘go-to’ guys for torment, agony, suffering and hopelessness. Now here come these upstarts on a television network trying to ‘horn-in’ on our turf!” Balthazar continued, “However, let it be known that there’s no ‘War on Christmas’ down here, and as vile as these creatures are, His Majesty is willing to give them a second chance. From pompous Bill O’Reilly to hysterical Megyn Kelly, they all have the opportunity to do what is right and shut the hell up about Obamacare.”

Minos, Judge of the Dead, added, “We tried sending a ‘cease and desist’ order but it had no effect because Fox has no respect for the law. Apparently these people are so bent on denying health care to the poor that they will stop at nothing. I’ve never seen such a lack of compassion. It makes us look like a bunch of amateurs.”

Keres, hideous she-demon of violent death and disease, was also present at the press conference. “Look, I’m somewhat of an expert on health care. It’s my job to tear souls out of the dying, so I know what I’m talking about, and no health care system could be half as bad as what Greta Van Susteren describes on her show. And that idiot Sean Hannity, I’d rather rip my own head off rather than hear his vacuous arguments.”

Lord Balthazar emphasized that this was a one time deal and the agreements had to be signed by the end of the calendar year in order to be valid.

At the close of the presser Horkos was given a stack of Fed Ex envelopes and told by Balthazar to deliver the personalized contracts to each Fox anchor and pundit by the close of business today. No official word was given on what action Beelzebub will take if the agreements are rejected, but our sources in the Underworld tell us that as a last resort the Devil would offer Fox News employees lucrative positions in Purgatory tormenting the impure.

Duck Dynasty’s Willie Robertson Defends Patriarch: ‘Ignorance is not a choice-he was born that way’


At an emotional press conference early Saturday morning, Willie Robertson of the hit show ‘Duck Dynasty’, defended Phil Robertson, patriarch of the weird and dysfunctional family made famous on A&E. The elder Robertson and A&E have come under attack for comments he made in an interview with GQ.

In an apparent attempt to gain the coveted position of ‘most bigoted and ignorant’ television superstar, the elder Robertson compared homosexuality to bestiality and said that black folks were happier before the civil rights movement. But those comments are the tip of the iceberg. His interview with GQ has to be read to be believed. You’ll think you’ve suddenly been transported back in time to 14th century Europe.

For his part, Willie Robertson tried to play down the comments. “Look, Phil was just stating his opinion and sometimes he gets a little out of hand,” said Robertson. “Please don’t judge him too harshly and keep in mind he was born that way. He didn’t choose this lifestyle. I mean, who would actually choose to be an ignorant, bigoted, bible-thumping, homophobic redneck obsessed with murdering innocent water fowl?”

Robertson refused to take questions from reporters and ended the press conference abruptly by saying “It’s been real guys but today is Saturday and I have a very strong urge to dress up like a soldier and go out and kill some animal.”

The future of the hit television show is uncertain. Phil Robertson is suspended and other cast members are threatening not to go on without him. A&E does not seem too worried about it. In a statement late Friday a spokesperson said, “If we lose the program we lose it. That  show’s particular demographic is so ignorant and gullible that I’m sure we can come up with something else for them to watch that is equally abhorrent.”