Scientists at the Center For Sanity in Politics discounted the theory that Ted Cruz is actually a zombie under the control of Tea Party coven leader Michele Bachmann. “We really believe that it is unlikely that Cruz is a zombie, despite his irrational actions and lack of higher brain function,” said Dr. Frank Black, head of research at CSP.
Speculation and rumor concerning Cruz increased last week after an event at a fundraiser in Muleshoe, Texas. Cruz was ranting about how Obamacare will end life as we know it on planet earth when, during a particularly violent gesticulation, a portion of his right index finger flew off into the crowd. Although no one in the audience noticed, the event was caught on video and quickly went viral on the Web.
Dr. Black and his team have since been analyzing the video along with other videos of speeches by the Senator. “We think that it is far more likely that Cruz is either a replicant like the others manufactured at Fox News Laboratories or possibly he is some form of genetic throwback,” Black said. “Either possibility would account for his total lack of empathy for the poor and otherwise disadvantaged citizens of this country.”
“What we find truly baffling is that this man was ever elected in the first place, but I suppose stranger things have happened,” said Black. “After all, 48% of Americans believe UFO’s are some form of alien visitation, and 41% believe we are living in the end times described in the Bible. There seems to be a bottomless well of idiocy in the United States,” Black said.
Although Cruz was unavailable for comment, an aide to the Senator stated “These rumors are ridiculous. Furthermore, the loss of Sen Cruz’ finger will in no way affect his ability to govern if elected President. He will still be able to push the nuclear button at the slightest provocation. He’ll simply use his left hand.”