SEOUL – At a press conference in Pyongyang this morning North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un threatened the Sea of Japan with more missile strikes if the body of water continued to allow U.S., Japanese, and South Korean warships to travel freely over its surface.
“If this cooperation continues the water will know our wrath,” said an agitated Kim. “Our missiles are being fueled and will be ready to strike anywhere we deem necessary in response to this aquatic aggression.”
Earlier this month North Korea fired four of its new Long Schlong III missiles into the middle of the fucking ocean in a show of force meant to discourage the Sea of Japan from cooperating with its enemies. A fifth missile failed to launch and its crew was executed the next day.
As of this afternoon there has been no response to the threat from the Sea of Japan, but South Korean officials stated that they weren’t particularly worried about the ravings of “that fat ass cheese-eating manchild” currently in charge of the rogue state to their north.
“They can’t aim worth a shit,” said Admiral Um Hyun-Seong, Chief of Naval Operations. “They’re just as likely to hit the South China Sea or the fucking Arctic Ocean when they launch those things. Fuck ’em.”
WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is reportedly losing patience with members of Congress who want to put the brakes on his abominable plan to fuck as many poor people as possible by denying them health insurance.
“Speaker Ryan is really pissed about this new report by the CBO,” said a staffer on condition of anonymity. “He thinks it’s just going add ammunition to wimps within the Party who have reservations about stomping on the poor.”
Ryan’s staffer told Politico that during a meeting late last night the Speaker threw a temper tantrum and started screaming that poor people “deserved to die” and he wanted it to “start happening yesterday!”
“He acted like he was unhinged,” said the staffer. “He was picking up 40 lb dumbbells and hurling them around the office like they were paperweights. One female staffer was hit in the leg and she had to go to the emergency room. He was screaming ‘That’ll show you, you bitch! I hope you enrolled in our office plan! Next time move your ass out-of-the-way!’ as she was being removed from the office on a gurney.”
“I’m currently looking for alternative employment,” said the staffer. “I really don’t see much future with the Speaker in politics if he continues down this road.”
Politico is also reporting that Ryan has plans to become an evangelist if he loses in the next round of elections.
“That way I can fuck poor people 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!” Ryan is reported to have said.
NEW YORK – The Weather Channel warned viewers in the Northeast this morning that Winter Storm Stella had the potential to transform areas from New York to Boston into a vast frozen wasteland reminiscent of scenes from the Pleistocene Epoch.
“I think everyone better be ready for at least a temporary return to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle,” said meteorologist Jim Cantore, who was broadcasting from what appeared to be the median of a busy highway in New Jersey.
Cantore, an unhinged lunatic who regularly predicts the end of modern civilization during minor weather fluctuations, was jeered and taunted by passing motorists as he told viewers that wild animals were already devouring their young in an attempt to store fat in preparation for the deadly storm.
“Have you ever seen that flick The Day After Tomorrow?,” asked Cantore in a voice shaking with fear. “This is gonna be just like that. I’m advising those who can’t flee to the South to go buy everything they fucking can out of every grocery store on the east coast. Otherwise, I’m convinced we’ll be eating the dead.”
Although blizzard warnings have been issued for a part of the Northeast coast, including New York City, in advance of Winter Storm Stella, government officials in the area don’t think that this will be quite the cataclysm predicted by Cantore and his pals currently going fucking ape shit around the clock on national television.
New York Mayor Bill De Blasio told Fox News that snow totals of a foot or more could cause travel problems and some power outages, but the area would survive this storm as it has every other storm that has hit for the last 200 years.
“This is not some sort of crescendo of doom,” said De Blasio. Those idiots over at the Weather Channel are panicking like a Republican lost in a mixed-race neighborhood. We’ll be just fine.”
ATLANTA – Gleeful anchors at the Weather Channel are warning viewers from Western North Carolina all the way to the Northeast that their forecast for Winter Storm Stella indicates that it could bring death and destruction on a scale not seen since the last winter storm forecast they fucked up earlier in the year.
“The tables have turned on the Northeast after a very warm winter, but jack frost is about to get his revenge on the East Coast,” chuckled a delighted Tom Niziol, chief winter storm expert and doomsayer for the network.
“Winter Storm Stella will come in two parts. An initial disturbance in that jet stream will produce the stripe of snow through this weekend in the Midwest and South. However, a much sharper plunge of the jet by next week should spin up a strong low-pressure center off the East Coast, raising the potential of a nor’easter with heavy snow and wind for parts of the Northeast.
“If we’re lucky, this could mean a variety of emergency conditions in New England and its environs, which in turn could lead to numerous deaths among the elderly and the very young as power outages and stalled vehicles take their toll on human life,” said a grinning Niziol.
“We have high hopes for this one.”
TOKYO – North Korea fired four ballistic missiles early Monday morning in what Japan’s leader described as “an extremely dangerous action.”
I’ve belabored this issue before, but there’s always a new crop of readers who might need a lesson. I’m talking about a common creationist trope: the claim that microevolution can occur, usually defined as “evolution within a species” or “evolution within a kind” (whatever a “kind” is), but that macroevolution—seen as a transition from one “kind” to another—doesn’t occur. So antibiotic resistance in a bacterial species, or a change in coat color of a mouse, is fine, because that’s just “microevolutionary change”. Ditto with the evolution of different species of cats, which is simply microevolution within the “cat kind.” And ditto for the creation of different breeds of dogs by artificial selection: breeds so different that, if they were found as fossil skeletons, some would be seen not just as different species, but as different genera. Nevertheless, creationist see that as simply change within the canid “kind”, so that artificial…
View original post 384 more words