The Killings Times’ Quite Large 2017 Crime Drama Preview

The Killing Times

First LookRight, it’s back to business. We’ve had Sherlock to kick 2017 off in big, thrillery style and this week is jam-packed full of new crime dramas. But it’s not just this week that’s jam-packed with stuff, oh no. The whole bloody year looks as though it’ll be rammed with crime drama. So I’ve scoured the internet and asked some of my contacts for the lowdown on what we can expect. And what can we expect? Lots and lots and lots. You’ll find over 30 crime dramas over the jump, some with estimated transmission dates (don’t hold me to many of them, please) and the one thing you can say about 2017 is that there will be some HUGE – some of the genre’s real big hitters – making a return. Strap yourselves in because you may as well sack off family, friends any kind f social life you had planned.

View original post 4,065 more words

Fargo announces April transmission date; Channel 4 onboard for UK

The Killing Times

c5s42kzxaaqjzvbAs long-time readers of the site will know, Fargo is one of my favourite series. With Noah Hawley and a cast that includes Ewan McGregor (in two roles), David Thewlis, Carrie Coon and Mary Elizabeth Wanstead series three is really starting to gear up. It usually transmits around the end of the year, but this time around FX (the show’s US network) sprung a surprise yesterday – series three will air in the spring. This spring.

View original post 297 more words

CPAC Rejects Trickle-Down Theory of Sexuality

milo-in-make-america-great-again-hat-1

 

WASHINGTON – So far it hasn’t been such a good week for slimy pedophile cretin, Clorox victim, and vile swamp thing Milo Yiannopoulos.

On Monday, the organizers of the Conservative Political Action Conference rescinded their invitation for him to be their keynote speaker at their annual hatefest taking place at Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland. Simon & Schuster said it was canceling publication of “Dangerous” after standing by him through weeks of criticism of the deal. And Breitbart itself was reportedly reconsidering his role amid calls online for it to sever ties with him.

The polemical Breitbart editor and unapologetic defender of the alt-right, tested the limits of how far his provocations could go after the publication of a video in which he condones sexual relations with boys as young as 13 and laughs off the seriousness of pedophilia by Roman Catholic priests.

david-duke-trump-jews

Mr. Schlapp told reporters that Mr. Yiannapoulos’ views regarding sex with minors were unacceptable, at least when they were voiced in public. Schlapp said that CPAC would seek a replacement speaker who was more in line with mainstream conservative values.

“We initially extended the invitation knowing that the free speech issue on college campuses is a battlefield where we need brave, conservative standard-bearers,” Matt Schlapp, the chairman of the American Conservative Union, said in a written statement. “Normally we are proud to have Nazis, fake Christians, and other deplorable motherfuckers speak to us at CPAC; it gets us horny and ready for a night on the town in some of D.C.’s best brothels.

“However, as cute as he is, Milo went a little too far this time. Having sex with underage boys and girls is fine with us as is other deviant behavior, as long as it’s kept secret. When you come out into the open about this stuff it can be problematic,” said the hypocritical asshole.

“I don’t want anyone to worry,” continued a profusely sweating Schlapp. “CPAC is proud to have had some of the most hypocritical ministers, sociopathic politicians, and other subhuman monsters of the right wing speak at our convention, and trust me, this year will be no exception.”

Mr. Schlapp told reporters that the ACU had reached out to Rocky Suhayda, leader of the American Nazi Party, and David Duke to see if either one of them could take Yiannopoulos’ place as keynote speaker.

As of noon today Yiannopoulos was unavailable for comment regarding his sudden fall from grace. Sources tell the Times-Picayune that he is on holiday with Ann Coulter torturing small animals in a wildlife preserve just across the Mexican border.

 

 

Weather Channel Hopeful Body Count Will Rise For Winter Storm Niko

weatherchannel

 

ATLANTA – Anchors at the Weather Channel are warning that thousands could still die as the result of Winter Storm Niko which is currently pounding the northeast.

Reporting from Pawtucket, Rhode Island, an area that was not getting any fucking snow at all at the time, anchor and Weather Channel resident lunatic Jim Cantore gleefully pointed out that thousands of people have been stranded by canceled flights, leaving them susceptible to frostbite, hypothermia, or instant death from the large number of lightning strikes accompanying this storm.

Weather Channel meteorologist Jim Cantore gets the scoop.

Although considered profoundly unhinged by many of his co-workers, a judge has determined that Cantore poses no threat to himself or others

“Just look at Connecticut! It’s saturated with lightning strikes! And there’s more to come!” yelled a maniacal Cantore, while pointing a three iron at the sky to emphasize his point.

Cantore advised everyone within 500 miles of New York city to cower indoors like rats in a burrow in order to avoid the elements and extend their lives for a few precious hours.

He advised residents of Manhattan to seek shelter in outdated, vermin-infested 1950’s era fallout shelters deep below ground.

“The worst is yet to come,” said a smiling Cantore, doing his best impression of the Abominable Dr. Phibes.

“I feel certain that we’re going to see the body count rise on this one.”

 

 

Douglass Remains Silent On Bowling Green Massacre

douglass

 

WASHINGTON – The White House released a statement today expressing its shock and sadness that up-and-coming civil rights leader Frederick Douglass has remained silent regarding the recent tragedy in Bowling Green, Kentucky in which a number of white Christians were slaughtered by refugees from the Middle East.

“Mr. Douglass’ continued silence can mean only one thing;” said the statement, “that he secretly applauds the actions of these bloodthirsty terrorists who have infiltrated our homeland.”

The perpetrators, an elderly Syrian woman and her seven-year-old granddaughter, had apparently hidden themselves within the tens of thousands of refugees currently flooding every city in the country.

“Somehow they just slipped through the cracks,” said a Homeland Security officer who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being executed by the Administration.

“Our usual method is to just back a ship up to a dock in some port in Yemen and let anyone who wants to jump on board. We make damn sure they aren’t terrorists by making them fill out a three-page questionnaire, and swearing it’s true while putting their hand on a Bible. I can’t imagine how those two managed outwit our vetting process. They must be real masterminds.”

Kellyanne Conway told Chuck Todd on Meet the Press today that given the seriousness of the situation the Administration will have to re-think its relationship with Mr. Douglass and other civil rights leaders.

“If Mr. Douglass and his fellow black leaders aren’t even going to acknowledge the tragic loss of life in Bowling Green, then if you ask me they have no place in American society.”

Conway then went outside the studio, mounted her unicorn, and rode back to the White House.

 

 

Trump Signs Executive Order Prohibiting Executive Orders

trumpexecutiveorder

 

WASHINGTON – In a ceremony at the White House this morning President Trump signed an executive order effectively banning any future executive orders. The order is to take effect immediately.

“Executive orders have done more to destroy this country than any other thing I can think of,” said the President as he held up what appeared to be a Denny’s restaurant menu for the assembled press to see.

“I was elected to give power back to the people, and you don’t do that by being a tyrant like Barack Obama,” said the illiterate orange turd.

“In the future 27% of the eligible voters in this country will decide everything for the rest of the population, not some dictator drunk on his own power,” said the miscreant with bad hair and a micropenis.

Kellyanne Conway, appearing on CNN after the ceremony, told viewers that this particular executive order was all Trump’s idea and she didn’t think he had quite thought this one through.

“He may want to go back and rescind this particular executive order with a new executive order,” she said, as her face appeared to morph into a skull.

Conway told Chris Cuomo that she was sure that the order made sense in some way because it was “Our Lord’s” idea. She then lunged across the table and tried to suck the lifeforce out of Cuomo before withering into a discolored, sagging skin sack and slumped to the floor.

When asked about the order on a special edition of Fox News tonight aired in the middle of the day, George will told Bret Baier that he had no idea what was going on.

The nation has managed to elect the dumbest motherfucker the western world has ever seen,” said Will. “I can’t help you out with this one Bret.”

Will then excused himself saying he had to catch a plane to Bozeman in order to shop for off-grid survival shelters.