Florida Governor Rick Scott Pledges To Personally Eradicate Zika Mosquitoes

 

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TALLAHASSEE –  (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott held a press conference this morning and pledged to take action to eradicate Zika mosquitoes invading the Miami area.

Frustrated by the inability of President Obama and Congress to take decisive action Governor Scott, known as Quetzalcoatl or “Feathered Serpent” to his inner circle, promised the residents of Florida and Greater Cretonia that he would personally fight the mosquitoes by adjusting his diet and feeding schedule.

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When Governor Scott was growing up in Tenochtitlan over 1000 years ago he became famous for keeping the entire district free of harmful insects.

In recent years Scott has almost exclusively consumed the infant offspring of illegal farm workers kept as slaves in Florida’s godforsaken panhandle area. Scott usually devours one baby or toddler per month.

However, as part of his new plan to contain the mosquito-borne virus Scott told reporters that he would start eating insects again like he did when he was a young snake.

“I used to eat thousands of flying insects, roaches, grasshoppers”, you name it,” hissed the Governor. “I’ll forego eating kids for a few months until this crisis passes. It’s the least I can do for my constituents.”

So far there has been no reaction from the CDC on the new plan.

Obama Pledges To Destroy Country At Least Five More Times Before Leaving Office

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CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA – (CT&P) – While campaigning for Hillary Clinton in Forlorn Hope, West Virginia over the weekend, President Obama pledged that he would do his very best to destroy America at least five more times before he leaves office in January.

‘It has been by privilege as the first black man in the White House to destroy America as many  times as I possibly could in the last seven years, and I’m looking forward to finishing with a flourish,” said Obama.

“It’s hard for me to overstate just how much I hate this country and everything it stands for. Freedom, liberty, equal treatment under the law, I just hate that shit, and always have. I’m looking forward to seeking out the last standing buildings and institutions across America and laying waste to them like I have the vast majority of our once great country.”

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President Obama has destroyed the country over 30 times since assuming office

Republican politicians and pundits have responded with outrage over the President’s comments, calling him a destructive maniac who just wants to destroy everything.

Representative and respected racist Steve King of Iowa told Fox News that if we don’t do something quick, every contribution to western civilization made by white folks will be erased in an orgy of destruction.

“We downtrodden white people have to once and for all stand up and be counted,” said King.

“America has been destroyed so many times by this man that it’s hard to find anything that has escaped being destroyed in all the destruction that surrounds us,” said King, who then stared off into space and started mumbling something about grapefruit.

White House Press Secretary Josh Ernest is expected to detail the President’s plans for the complete annihilation of America and our way of life during a press conference Monday morning.

 

Trump Becomes Disoriented During Speech, Thinks He’s In Fucking Mogadishu

People escape from the direction of a huge fire-ball after an accidental explosion at a petrol storage facility within the former United States residential housing in capital Mogadishu September 3, 2013. REUTERS/Feisal Omar (SOMALIA - Tags: DISASTER ENERGY)

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – While giving his acceptance speech as the GOP nominee Thursday night Donald Trump became confused and disoriented and thought he was running for president of Somalia.

 

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Trump told the seething mass of hate filled delegates that the moment he took office law and order would return.

During the 76 minute long horror fest, Trump described a dystopian hellscape that few people outside the arena recognized. The description of the country in which we live was so bleak and disturbing that many of the older delegates in the arena chose suicide rather than return to their districts.

 

Yelling like a warlord on khat, Trump told his audience of insecure, terrified white people that we are awash in a sea of random violence with illegal immigrants, terrorists, brown folks, black folks, yellow folks, red folks, Hillary Clinton, and Satan himself all posing an existential threat to the country.

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Trump said he alone could make Amtrak trains run on time.

 

Only the day after the speech was it revealed that the fluorescent rodent of a man had suffered a mild stroke on Wednesday night while watching Blackhawk Down so he could get in the mood for his big appearance.

 

“He still thinks he’s surrounded by black militants trying to kill us all,” said an aide on condition of anonymity. “The guy was never too bright to begin with. God knows how much damage was done to his small brain. This is gonna be a long three months, I can tell you that.”

 

Graham Under Investigation For Stealing Gold Fillings From Deceased Parishioners

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RALEIGH – (CT&P) – The North Carolina Bureau of Investigation has confirmed that a probe has been initiated into the activities of the Reverend Franklin Graham concerning accusations of theft from families of deceased members of his church.

Lieutenant R.J. Scrotum of the NCBI told reporters this morning that Graham has been accused of stealing several Rolex watches, two diamond brooches, one Congressional Medal of Honor, numerous expensive wedding rings, and most shocking of all, hundreds of gold fillings from the corpses of members of his flock.

“We have received credible information that leads us to believe that Mr. Graham on more than one occasion waited until people left the funerals he was officiating then broke open the coffins and robbed the corpses. We believe that this activity has been going on for years, and we ask any members of Graham’s church who have suspicions to please come forward and meet with us.”

When asked how the NCBI became aware of the alleged thefts, Officer Scrotum said that a family member became suspicious when he inadvertently picked up Graham’s coat at a get together after his aunt’s funeral and discovered garden shears and pliers in the pockets.

“I said wait just one fucking minute, what does this guy need with those?” said Cletis Toadskinner of Hemorrhagic Springs, South Carolina. “Then I remembered him hanging around and being the last to leave the graveside. So I had Aunt Elba dug up and sure enough, she was missing her ring finger and four of her teeth were gone. It was devastating.

“I remember thinking what a hypocritical asshole that dude was when I saw him on television, but I had no idea he was that creepy, I mean Jesus Christ!”

Graham was arrested this morning in Asheville but he was later released on a $1 million bond.

As Graham was leaving the courthouse today an aide said the charges against him were ridiculous and called the bond a “drop in the bucket compared to what we rake in each week from all those ignorant hicks.”

 

 

Evangelicals Ditch Jesus, Place Faith In Trump

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CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – White evangelical voters overwhelmingly back Donald Trump for president, according to a new poll released last Wednesday.

Trump, the presumptive GOP presidential nominee, has 78 percent support among registered voters who identify as white evangelical Protestants, while Hillary Clinton, widely considered to be the Antichrist, has 17 percent, a Pew Research Center Survey found.

Fifty-five percent said they “strongly support” Trump, while twenty-three percent said they were wavering between him and Jesus Christ, the presumptive Son of God.

“It’s a tough call,” said Grover McCluck of Forlorn Hope, West Virginia. “I’ve always supported Jesus, but look at how many Messicans and Mooselims he’s allowed to come into our country. I tell ya’ I’m more than a little disappointed with this whole ‘love thy neighbor’ crap. It costing us too many jobs.

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The statues in Dr. Ben Carson’s hallway reportedly wept blood after the poll was released.

“Hell, I lost my job at the coal mine ’cause of all them Hispanic kids pouring across the border,” said McCluck, as he coughed up small bits of lung.

The Reverend Franklin Graham, evangelist and hypocritical turd, told CNN that he didn’t find the shift from Jesus to Donald surprising at all.

“Look, we uber Christians talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, our main goal is to amass as much wealth as possible. After all, we’re not idiots. We’re not going to let a bunch of hooey from the New Testament get in the way of our lifestyle, now are we?”

When asked if evangelicals would not be considered hypocrites for supporting such a hideous human being for president, Graham just laughed and said, “You really are naive, aren’t you?”

“We think that Trump’s fascist plans for deportation, tax breaks for the rich, and alienation of every minority in the United States will allow us white folks to be in power for decades to come, and that bodes well for our pocketbooks. In short, money talks and bullshit walks!”

The same poll showed surprisingly little support among black evangelicals.

“We’re not so easily fooled by idiots making ridiculous promises,” explained Cornell Brooks, president of the NAACP.

“We’ve been dealing with that bullshit for over 200 years.”

Trump Delegate Misses First Night At Convention

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CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – Trump delegate Billy Bob McSneed from Deer Tick, Tennessee missed the entire first night of the GOP convention after going on a two-day bender after he arrived in Cleveland early Saturday morning.

McSneed, a part-time slaughterhouse janitor and respected meth cook in Hemophilia County in the Appalachian foothills, told the leader of the Tennessee delegation that he became overly excited because it was the first time he had been out-of-state since 1994, when he was fleeing police on crack cocaine charge.

“Listen, Saturday was the first time I ever rode on a flying machine and it really pumped me up,” said McSneed when interviewed by a local television station. “I just felt like lettin’ my hair down a little bit and me and some gals I met in the alley behind the motel just had us a little party, that’s all. I’m all in for Trump. He’s my man!”

According to WKYC in Cleveland McSneed has agreed to pay for damage done to his room and an elevator during the “party” and will be allowed to stay the rest of the week provided he is supervised by other members of the Tennessee delegation.

Advisers Scramble To Show Trump Where Turkey Is Located

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Advisers and aides to Donald Trump had to scramble this afternoon to locate maps and a globe so they could show him just where the fuck Turkey was.

“We showed him two or three times and then tested him by showing him a map without the names of the countries on it,” said an aide speaking on condition of anonymity. “After about a dozen attempts he finally figured it out.”

Trump, not known for his knowledge of anything, is particularly ignorant when it comes to foreign policy.

“He is completely inept when comes to geography,” said the aide. “Ask him to point out Australia and he may point to Antarctica or even Corsica. He’s a real fuckwit.”

After briefing the GOP nominee on where Turkey was located and the difference between Asia and Europe, his staff then wrote out a detailed response to the coup that he could send out on Twitter.

No one on Trump’s staff believed he had any idea what the statement meant.